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Becky

She had the most sparkling eyes, huge dimples, and a smile that could light up the darkest day. She lived with us when I was just two or three years old. She and our other sister, Kim, came to live with us when their mother went on a year-long mission. We shared a dad, and my mom was overjoyed to have the opportunity to watch over her husband's two daughters from his previous marriage to get to know them. She welcomed them with open arms. I don't think I really understood what was happening then, or why they were there, but I knew I was happy to have four big sisters all of a sudden. Kind of a mini-Brady Bunch. Her two, his two, and their one. Becky always reminded me of Judy Garland's Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Beautiful, sweet, kind and caring. A natural nurturer, even at the age of 12. Once, when I was about 3, I guess, I pulled Daddy's hunting rifle out of his closet. Becky caught me, and gave me a lecture about the danger of handling weapons- even if not loaded, she said, I should never touch them. She told me about how they could kill, and that Daddy had to kill people in Korea (he was a Marine) and how traumatized he was by it. She was firm, but kind. After she and Kim moved away again, I saw her from time to time over the years. We moved to McAllen, TX when I was about 5, and she came to visit with her boyfriend. She was glowingly beautiful- inside and out. Later she married, and I was in the wedding. She came to visit us with her new baby, Kimberly, and later came Noah, and then Lara. I went to visit her and her new husband, Bobby. A big, lovable bear of a man with a rough-around-the-edges kindness. At some point along the way, communication stopped between my dad's daughters and us. I didn't understand why, and didn't think to ask about it until much later. Skeletons started to emerge bit by bit, but I still didn't get the full picture until after Daddy's death in 1988. I was the one that tracked down Becky a year after Daddy's death, and told her. She said that she had had a dream that an angel told her he was at peace now. Somehow she already knew. The skeletons spilled out, and it was devastating. Even now, I don't know what is truth and what is fiction, and probably never will. After that, I made occasional visits to San Antonio to see Becky and her beautiful family. I never got too close because of the skeletons, but always had her in my heart. And I know I was in hers. I once told her I was sorry I hadn't been a better sister and aunt, and she said all that matters is that I say it and feel it, and no matter what we know the love is there even if we don't see each other often enough.

My father, and both of his daughters are in Heaven now. I can only hope that they have reconciled, and that all of the pain and hurt of the past has given in to love and understanding. Yesterday, a little before 3pm, sweet Becky lost her battle with colon cancer. She fought courageously for over 3 years, and fought hard. But the cancer fought harder, and the aggressive treatments ravaged her little body. She thankfully died at home surrounded by her husband, Bobby; mother, Joyce; and children, Kimberly, Noah, Lara and Julianna. She may be gone from this world, but as she said, the love is there even if we can't see each other. I know she is in my heart, my mind, and that she is watching over all of those she loves. Becky, I love you. I know that Heaven has the sweetest angel now.

I think I'll start blogging again

This morning I poured myself a cup of coffee (my favorite part of the day! that first cup.) I pulled out my Texas Champion Rosebowl cup and read the date: January 4, 2006. 2006? What the....! I KNOW I celebrated my 40th birthday with a Rosebowl party when UT kicked some USC butt (I was working at USC at the time, so it was a very friendly competition.) Problem is, I was born in 1967. So there MUST have been a misprint on the cup. So I go online and look it up on the official Rosebowl site. Sure enough, the game was January 06. What is wrong with my memory? Still not believing this I decide to look at my old blog that I don't keep up. There posted on the internet for all posterity is a log of my 2006 and 2007 birthdays. So my best birthday ever was my 39th! Our L.A. friends, Shiner Bock, Texas Chili in our old funky apartment on 4th Ave. My 40th was nice too. After we made the spontaneous decision to jump in the car and drive from L.A. to Austin for Christmas, my family in Austin gave me a surprise party, and I got a day at the spa from my sister. Funny how memory works. I think 39 was a milestone, my last year in the 30s. Thanks blog. Thanks for clearing things up.

home sweet home

suburbia

the father of a kid in my kid's school (let's call him Buford) whooped up on the father of another kid in my kid's class (let's call him Hans) because Buford didn't like Hans' driving. this all happened in the parking lot of the elementary school IN FRONT OF CHILDREN!!!! Buford had the nerve to say that Hans was setting a bad example for the children by his bad driving as he was roughing Hans up. the WORST part is that of all of the adults who witnessed this, only one person went up to Hans afterwards to see what happened, and to see if he was ok. no one else has said a word to Hans about it since. kind of twilight zone-ish.

DOMESTICATION IS SETTING IN

did it. bought a house. we're over 40 and finally own our own mortgage. i'll post pictures later. my job is the hardest thing i've ever done, except for childbirth. very challenging, but i love it. husband is working on an austin independent comedy.


maybe i should change my blog name to cali girl. I MISS L.A.!!!! (don't you dare tell anyone i said that)

so, i've been away.

not feeling so bloggy these days. maybe i'll come back one day. we are in texas, and i think we're buying a house tomorrow! panic is setting in. and excitement!

oh, the best news of all!

my sister who was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in around november, was just given the news that she is free and clear!!!! she has the strongest faith in God of just about anyone i know. not many stage 4 diagnoses go completely into remission like that. my faith has waned quite a bit of late, but this definitely gives me hope.

my head is about to explode

i hate change, folks. like, REALLY dread it. it gives me knots in my stomach, the heebie jeebies, and i have strange dreams that i can't quite remember when i wake, but i have a strange unsettled feeling when i open my eyes. i create completely irrational scenarios in my mind about the horrors that change might possibly bring about. like if i take one step away from the path i'm on, that unknown terrors await me around every bend. yet...

at the same time, it exhilarates me! i feel empowered. on top of the world with endless possibilities before me. how can i possibly feel so powerful and so incredibly freaked out all at the same time? is that...normal? right now my emotions are going from one extreme to another within a matter of minutes. from feeling like i can conquer anything, to feeling like i want to just crawl in a hole, or better, drink a whole lotta something.

ultimately, this may sound like a heap load-o-gibberish to all of you. suffice it to say, there are some big changes on the horizon in my world. in the world of my little family. all very good, but hard for me to conceive of. my dear husband is very supportive, and proud, and even willing to make concessions. the kid is excited and positive, and always the light of my universe. i started this blog because i was homesick for texas. a place for me to pine away for austin. and now i fear losing something by leaving los angeles. friends. excitement. maybe i am more interesting as a texan in l.a. than as a texan in, well, texas. i come from a family of flamboyants. HEY! that would be a great movie title. "The Flamboyants" i digress. i come from a family of flamboyant individuals, who tend to define you and compartmentalize you, and try to fit you into their own concept of who they think you ought to be. narcissists really. ok. so there are a lot of people like that out there. but i have always longed to stand out in a crowd.

however, i think i'm taking something back with me from la la land, and that is the ability to just be me, and to realize that it is ok. my husband thinks i am much more capable than i give myself credit for. and my little girl has grown into a real character herself. a wonderful, compassionate, intelligent little human. and she loves me just the way that i am. and that is just enough for me. so whatever changes life has in store for me, for us, I... we can handle it.

My first ever meme

noirbettie interviewed me.

1. What's the thing you miss most about Texas (not counting family)?
Oh, geez. That's a toughie. There are many many things. I'd say it isn't actually Texas I miss, but Austin. Town Lake hike and bike trail (even the stupid Stevie Ray Vaughn statue), South Congress Ave - (Continental Club, funky shops, Guero’s). I miss giant thunderstorms, the fireflies, and the sound of the cicadas on a hot summer's night. I miss and when the insane heat of summer slowly changes to a crisp fall with golden leaves. And there is a feeling that I have when I'm there which I don't know how to describe that I really miss. Things seem slower there, not as hectic. I miss the hippie neighborhoods and general funkiness.

2. What do you love best about Los Angeles?
The weather, the cultural diversity, the amazing restaurants, our friends, the fact that we are only 30 minutes away from the mountains or the beach.

3. How did you choose Helen's name?
It was my grandmother's name, and her mother's, and her grandmother's,and her great grandmother's, and maybe a few more before that. They were all Helens. My sister is a Helene, my cousin is Elena- variations. I chose to go back to the traditional. The other name we thought about was Lucie. Luke for a boy.

4. If you could go on vacation anywhere in the world, where would you choose?
Ireland, because I think I'm part Irish, and I love the music. And Scotland (to hunt for the Loch Ness Monster, of course)

5. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Oh, do I have to? Grow up that is? Honestly, I want to be a puppeteer. Jim Henson was my hero. I dabbled in it for a while, and did a lot of research on the history of puppetry. I wrote my master's thesis on the famous Czech puppet duo, Spejbl and Hurvinek, and me hubby and I actually toured through the Czechlands on the puppet bus, and hung with the puppeteers. I'd really love to run my own children's theatre.

I think I'm supposed to offer to interview anyone who reads my blog, but I think there are only two or three of you. But if you are out there and have a blog (or hey, even if you don't) let me know and I'll think of 5 questions for you.

Taxes Stink

Happy Tax Day! Oh, how I miss getting a refund.

AG phone home

we're thinking about moving back to austin. it would mean a lot of back and forth for the husband, but my mother needs me,we can buy a perfectly acceptable house in a decent neighborhood for under $400K, and i am pretty disgusted with the hollywood types right now. there. its out there.

my yoga teacher read this to us in class today. it has been circulating on the internet, but i'd never heard it. it seems highly appropriate right now. enjoy!


TWO WOLVES
An old Cherokee chief is teaching his grandson about life:

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

"One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

"This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old chief simply replied, "The one you feed."