i am a cyborg

bachelorette #2, will you please stand up?

i am nearly 40 years old, and we got thrown out of a bar for causing a ruckus. though, it was not my doing. but i was in the group, so was guilty by proxy. the husband is already starting rumors that i got into a knock down drag out fist fight, and that i was literally tossed out of the bar. that's what he does. inflates stories.

our waiter at the drag show was cash-mere. she was awsome. the waiters were also in the show. she was big and buxom, and had hairy armpits. but she took good care of us.

i think i've had my fill of bachelorette parties. i can't top this one, so i think i'll quit while i'm ahead.

"where distortion is a cause for celebration"

www.jowlers.com they've gotten it back up and running! most of these are much funnier than mine. i don't think i got quite enough jowl action going before i snapped my photo. however, suffice it to say, i don't think there is another jowler in my future. my head really hurt after that. yes, i do have better things i could be doing with my time.

like spending TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS on the kid's school uniforms. 100% polyester. they stand up on thier own. the kid is going to catholic school. i can't believe we are actually sending her to catholic school. just one more instance where saying "i will never...." backfired. in my life, i've come to realize that any time i say i will never do something, inevitably, i do it. luckily, they have no nuns there in the classroom to rap them on the back of their tender little knuckles with a ruler. all i can think of is my mom's story. she and her older sister went to catholic school. her sister had a sweet kind nun, sister mary francis. but my poor mom, who always seemed to get the short end of the stick, got stuck with big, mean 'ol sister brissimo who had pegged out one little girl in the class to pick on relentlessly. if i ever write that book that i'll never write, sister brissimo will have to be a character. (see how i did that? i said i'll NEVER write that book, so that maybe i WILL. of course, now that i've said that, i WON'T)

i'm going to my second wild and crazy bachelorette weekend in san diego on saturday. i sure have been on a lot of trips this year sans husband and kid. we're going to some drag show, and have to wear tank tops with some dirty pictures on them. 14 girls staying in two rooms at some resort. we'll be hanging out at the pool all day, and then 7 girls per room will be fighting for the showers to get ready. sound like fun? i am very psyched about the drag show. i've never been to one, except for a play we saw in hollywood last year about a beauty pageant, all men in drag. i LOVE men in drag.

th....th...that's all folks.