i hate change, folks. like, REALLY dread it. it gives me knots in my stomach, the heebie jeebies, and i have strange dreams that i can't quite remember when i wake, but i have a strange unsettled feeling when i open my eyes. i create completely irrational scenarios in my mind about the horrors that change might possibly bring about. like if i take one step away from the path i'm on, that unknown terrors await me around every bend. yet...
at the same time, it exhilarates me! i feel empowered. on top of the world with endless possibilities before me. how can i possibly feel so powerful and so incredibly freaked out all at the same time? is that...normal? right now my emotions are going from one extreme to another within a matter of minutes. from feeling like i can conquer anything, to feeling like i want to just crawl in a hole, or better, drink a whole lotta something.
ultimately, this may sound like a heap load-o-gibberish to all of you. suffice it to say, there are some big changes on the horizon in my world. in the world of my little family. all very good, but hard for me to conceive of. my dear husband is very supportive, and proud, and even willing to make concessions. the kid is excited and positive, and always the light of my universe. i started this blog because i was homesick for texas. a place for me to pine away for austin. and now i fear losing something by leaving los angeles. friends. excitement. maybe i am more interesting as a texan in l.a. than as a texan in, well, texas. i come from a family of flamboyants. HEY! that would be a great movie title. "The Flamboyants" i digress. i come from a family of flamboyant individuals, who tend to define you and compartmentalize you, and try to fit you into their own concept of who they think you ought to be. narcissists really. ok. so there are a lot of people like that out there. but i have always longed to stand out in a crowd.
however, i think i'm taking something back with me from la la land, and that is the ability to just be me, and to realize that it is ok. my husband thinks i am much more capable than i give myself credit for. and my little girl has grown into a real character herself. a wonderful, compassionate, intelligent little human. and she loves me just the way that i am. and that is just enough for me. so whatever changes life has in store for me, for us, I... we can handle it.
Labels: ramblings
